When I started to think about what I wanted to write about on this topic, I had one intent. Releasing the anger that builds up inside when I feel cheated out of time with one or both of my kids, along with the time set aside for me. For instance, when looking forward to time with my little man, still not able to walk and trying his best, all smiles and giggles, and my little lady decides she needs all my attention at that moment. I was bubbling up with anger towards her, yelling far more than I should and expecting (Ugh, I should know better… read about expectations here: The thing about expectations) her to get that the baby needs my time too.
I then would also rush towards anger when my son wouldn’t stay asleep during my daughter’s bedtime routine. That’s the time when she confides in me, we read together, and we snuggle. It’s our 20 minutes a day of mama / daughter time. And he was robbing that from her, and again, I was angry.
I started obsessing about the me time I was missing. Where was my time to write? When was my downtime to veg and watch The Voice? And what about workout time… that’s been nonexistent! Instead I was falling into bed knowing I’d be woken up by one or two kids at some point in the night for who knows how long. And inside, the rage continued.
Now with all that said, I should note that my rational self realized throughout these feelings that I was lashing out and getting unreasonably fired up. I have two kids, a full time job and a traveling husband, this is life as I have chosen it to be. I have read enough and continue to about positive thinking, so what the heck is going on here? I have forgiven myself somewhat, knowing I was operating on not enough sleep and solo. However, I don’t want rage to be my default no matter what the situation.
Credit: Movie- Inside Out
Even if feisty by nature, the happiness of those around me and myself has really been suffering. At this stage in life, Mama is my children’s center. And if their center is always teetering on erupting, well that doesn’t leave a great foundation for the times we are not together and how to cope with their own struggles.
So, here I was, coming around and realizing for the umpteenth time in my life, it’s better to roll with it than get upset. To help the littles realize they have to take 2nd or 3rd slot at times and it’s going to be OK. I was slowly coming around to all of this when a tragic incident happened at an event in my community.
My best friend is a runner and our 3rd musketeer was in town, so we went to cheer her on in a local race. We had a really nice start to the day, got to see each other and our kids on a beautiful sunny morning (not so great for the runners) and cheer our friend on as she finished 13.1 miles. I left feeling refreshed and looking forward to the day. I found out later on that a woman a few years younger than me with 3 young kids collapsed at the end of the race. She has now passed on. And I can’t stop thinking about her… about how her time was robbed and there is no turning that clock back. What a reality check, she was young and healthy, doing something good for herself and her body and for whatever reason her time was up. That could be any of us on any day and we forget that, ALL THE TIME. We waste time being angry or worried, not smiling, not laughing, not cherishing those we love and care about. There will be moments when we are down, angry, and unreasonable. I get that. But getting lost in it is the real struggle, not able to step back, breathe and remember our time here is short and then determining the way we want to spend it. To face situations with understanding, to give a hug vs. a harsh word. To remember we we are all human, and therefore flawed.
To NOT forget our time is finite… let go of the anger and hold onto the sweetness. I urge you to enjoy yours as I continually try to create this balance for myself.
Thank you for reading and helping me towards that goal! I wish you the best towards finding your balance as well ❤.